


maybe we just lived between hurting and healing

by Behindthecities



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Bollywood, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 22:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Behindthecities/pseuds/Behindthecities
Summary: Some memories, he thinks, are like boxes of chocolate - the ones you want to savour every last bite of, the ones you hold onto, the ones that fill your body with joy. Isak isn’t one to dwell on the maybes and the what ifs, but sometimes he allows himself reminisce on those moments, thinking what if things had gone in a different direction or maybe he should have been honest about his feelings. It’s been awhile since Isak’s thought about all of it - the madness, the laughter, and the conversations that happened that night. Isak can feel his eyes inch closer, his breathing evening out, and before he drifts off to sleep, he pictures a dazzling smile.An AU Inspired by the hindi film, Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani.





	maybe we just lived between hurting and healing

**Author's Note:**

> It's been A WHILE since I written anything I was brave enough to publish. All the characters belong to Julie Andem and the SKAM creators. It's been an emotional journey with this fic and I couldn't have done it without two very special people I've met since I joined the SKAM fandom. 
> 
> Zaa, [LillithBlack](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lillithBlack), my rock and the most patient and kind person. Thank you for being there, thank you for putting up with me when I was emotional and stressed, and thank you editing and commenting and always listening to weird ideas, thank you for pushing me write this thing. In another universe, we're having a picnic under a shady tree, laughing about how extra I am <3 
> 
> Sarah, [strangetowns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangetowns/), an absolute gem who's writing I admire and dream about at night. Thank you for looking for my work and help edit this mess into something presentably. In another universe, we're both holding each other and crying about Evak. 
> 
> Title is from "Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe" by Benjamin Alire Sáenz
> 
> Chapter title is from "Youth" by Troye Sivan.

The streets are still empty when Isak pedals his way around the corner, past the 711 towards home. He breathes out, relieved that his shift at the hospital had finally come to an end. It’s the last day of July, and the sun has started peeking out from behind the horizon of the city, slowly lighting up the dark sky. In the few minutes it takes to reach his house, Isak lets his mind wander off - to the reports he still needs to finish, to the clothes that have been piling up on the foot of his bed that he needs to wash sometime, to responding to Jonas’ texts before he murders him. But sometimes, his thoughts glide gently like clouds to someplace different - like an impromptu vacation to Cancun where he can lay down on a sandy beach, a mojito by his side, and not worrying about draining abscesses and doing rectal exams all day.  

 

But it all ends too soon when Isak realizes that he has almost rushed past his stop. It’s a quaint little building, about 5 floors high, every room filled with students from outside of the city. Leaving his bike locked inside the small garage, Isak makes his way up the steps to the 3rd floor. He hates himself daily for settling on an apartment with no elevator. Once Isak’s at his door, he shoves his keys into the lock, pushing the door open and letting himself inside. He toes his shoes off, walking up to small study desk he has step up by the large window.

 

The space is styled like a studio; everything is cramped together haphazardly. Isak groans knowing that there are dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and laundry piling up in the one two-seat couch he owns. He should really start cleaning and he’s about to when his eyes catch a white card sitting on top of the small beside the bed.

 

Isak picks it up, pushing off a bunch of textbooks on his bed he was reading the other day, not even bothering to switch into his pajamas. It’s a wedding invitation with gold lettering and floral sketches on the side.

 

_Dearest Isak,_

 

_Get your ass down here, or else :) And don’t bring your textbooks - we don’t want to know how to perform an emergency cricothyrotomy with a ballpoint pen!!!_

 

Isak huffs out a laugh, placing it down beside him. The sun has started to illuminate the blue summer sky, he notices. Before Isak drifts off to sleep, his mind goes back, 5 years ago, when it had all started.

 

Some memories, he thinks, are like boxes of chocolate - the ones you want to savour every last bite of, the ones you hold onto, the ones that fill your body with joy. Isak isn’t one to dwell on the maybes and the what ifs, but sometimes he allows himself reminisce on those moments, thinking what if things had gone in a different direction or maybe he should have been honest about his feelings. It’s been awhile since Isak’s thought about all of it - the madness, the laughter, and the conversations that happened that night. Isak can feel his eyes inch closer, his breathing evening out, and before he drifts off to sleep, he pictures a dazzling smile.

 

_5 years ago_

 

If you ask Isak Valtersen what led him to have an existential crisis in the frozen foods aisle at a Walmart, he can give you plenty of reasons. To start, he’d blame Magnus because, best friend or not, the guy has shaved off a good 20 years off of his life span. And then maybe his crippling anxiety that hung off his back every day, giving him sweet little reminders , like, _if you fail on this test Isak, you’ll never equate to anything in your life,_ or, _trust me, all your friends hate you._ But mostly, he’d point to himself for turning out to be that loser that’s planning on skipping out on a party tonight  to buy a crate of neapolitan ice cream and watch Mulan.

 

He’s just about to grab a bag of chips for extra measure when his phone goes off and Eva’s number flashes on his screen. “Hello?” he sighs, already knowing what she’s calling about.

 

“Where are you? I know you’re already thinking of staying in tonight, so we’re going together,” Eva says. “Oh my god, you’re already picking up ice cream, aren’t you?”

 

“It’s extremely creepy that you know that,” Isak says, “besides, I..er...have that lab report! Yes, the lab report due in two days...so can’t go, ha!”

 

“Uh huh, you told me you finished that last week - nice try idiot, I’ll meet you in the common room in 30 - shower, because you stink!” and she’s already dropped the call before Isak can retaliate.

 

For a minute, he wants to stomp around like a 5 year old and have a good old fashioned hissy fit.Today wasn’t the best day in the universe. He almost set his lab coat on fire, which then led to the TA yelling at him in front of the class. To top it all off, he forgot to do his laundry last week so he doesn’t even have clean clothes to wear at this party. The universe is basically telling Isak not to go at this point.

 

Isak quickly pays for the food he’s purchased and takes the long way back to his and Jonas’ dorm because he needs to sort out his mind. It’s the end of the semester and everyone’s finished their finals, so the campus grounds are filled with people buzzing with excitement to start their summer. Isak on the other hand has two courses starting next week and his MCAT prep classes in a month’s time so he’ll be studying until September. He has a plan and he’s going to stick by it, goddammit.

 

Once he reaches his floor, Eskild, his RA, perks up, running up to him, “Hey Issy, you and Jonas staying on campus for the summer?” he asks.

 

“Okay, first of all, stop calling me that, and second, I’m staying but Jonas is off to some internship in Ecuador next month,” Isak sighs, digging into his pockets for his keys.

 

“But it’s such a cute nickname and you’re my favourite person on this floor Isak,” Eskild whines and Isak rolls his eyes at that. “Besides I haven’t seen you since you started finals,” he says, following Isak inside.

 

Isak cringes at the state of the room - clothes all haphazardly thrown on the floor, beds unmade, and he’s pretty sure there’s something rotting in this room that they forgot to throw out.

 

“Yeah, come right in,” Isak deadpans.

 

“Don’t mind if I do, sweetie,” Eskild says cheerfully, dropping himself on the other’s bed. “Jesus, the room smells horrendous, it needs a good clean” he gags, kicking at a empty chocolate bar wrapper.

 

“Eskild, I need to go to some party with Eva, so I need a minute to get ready.” Isak sighs.

 

“Okay, okay, I’ll leave, but I picked up something for you while I was at Lush the other day - here,” Eskild smiles, handing him a small bag. “I owe you the last time for helping me with that lab report,” he explains.

 

And Isak can’t help but feel bad for asking him to leave. This is how Eskild is; the guy can piss you off in two minutes flat, but there’s no point in staying angry him because he’s one of the most considerate people Isak knows.

 

“I asked the girl working for something that can help relieve stress and she recommended I get you this soothing mask - it’ll bring all the boys to your yard,” Eskild winks, laughing.

 

“Thanks,” Isak grins in response, setting the little bag down on his bed.

 

“You’re going to that party with Eva, right? I think it’ll be good for you to get out - you’re either here or at the library, always studying,” Eskild explains, rubbing at his shoulders. “And I don’t want to sound like a mom, but have fun, fuck, university passes by in a flash.”

 

“You are a mom,” Isak insists, “And I do go out!”

 

“Ah yes, those dates in the library with your chemistry textbook sounds so amazing!” Eskild jokes.

 

“Whatever,” Isak frowns - _does everyone think he has no life?_

 

“Okay, I’ll leave you to it then, tell me if you kiss any boys! Love you,” Eskild yells, closing the door behind him as he leaves.

 

“Don’t think that’ll happen anytime soon,” Isak whispers out to the empty room.

 

*

So this is where he finds himself: in front of the mirror behind the dorm door, staring at his reflection,  just disappointed. There’s a ketchup stain on his shirt, right by his collar that doesn’t seem to want to come off; he’s put some gel in his hair to smooth the flyways, but it still looks like a mess; and of course, he just had to have a pimple in the middle of his forehead because the world hates him.

 

Before he heads out the door, Isak braces himself, trying to cling on to something steady. The world intimidates him and beyond these doors, unpredictability awaits. It’s like he’s on a boat in the middle of the ocean and he can see the storm clouds inching closer - the waves become more erratic by the minute and a great gust of wind takes away his map so now he can’t find his way back. Watching Mulan and eating ice cream in his bed is safe - Isak doesn’t have to be a person or keep up a facade. But out there, at the party, there’s too many things that can go wrong. So he braces himself - anchor at the ready and a steady smile for armour.

 

By the time Isak makes it to the common room, Eva is already there, wearing a short black dress and a pair of stilettos. “Finally, _jesus_ , we’re going to be late!” she cries out, grabbing him by his elbow and rushing towards the exit. “Listen, I know parties aren’t your thing, but I want to spend some time with you and Jonas before I have to go home for the summer,” she says.

 

Once they make it out of the campus halls, the streets are filled with people, all excited to start their Friday nights and weekend getaways. The nearest subway is about a five minute walk from Isak and Eva’s residence, and the station is packed when they get there.

 

“I know! But couldn’t we have just, I don’t know, gone to the movies and chilled with Jonas?” he asks. Isak palms his back pocket for his wallet, looking for his metropass.

 

“Jonas was the one who insisted we go here, by the way. But remember that girl I met at my women’s studies class last week? Noora? She’s going to be there, and I need a wingman.” She smiles innocently. “It’d be weird to ask Jonas,” Eva says, digging into her purse for her own.

 

Isak does remember. Since the beginning of semester, Eva has done nothing but talk about _‘Noora’s blue eyes’_ and her _‘soothing voice’_. “Vilde or Chris couldn’t be your support?” Isak asks, acting as though he and Jonas haven’t gone through Noora’s social media and asked around for any and all information.

 

“Chris has work apparently and Vilde had to leave early to help her mom renovate their house,” Eva sighs. “But come on, you’re my best friend Isak, I need you,” she whines.“After all that I’ve done for you, how could you leave my side at a moment like this?”

 

Isak frowns, “I hate you, but fine.”

 

“Aw, I love you too. But for real, if it’s too much, just let me know you’re leaving, okay? We’ll make plans tomorrow or something.”Eva says, squeezing his elbow reassuredly.

 

This is why they’re friends, Isak thinks. Because he doesn’t have to explain himself when he’s feeling off, when the world feels a bit too much for him. Eva has been his friend for as long as he can remember - they would make mud pies in his backyard every summer when they were in elementary school. Isak would always ruin his shirts, but Eva would always stick flowers on top of it to hide the mess. They would meet Jonas shortly after and begin their adventures as the trio that’s never apart.

 

The commute to the party seems way too short because before he knows it, Isak and Eva are already walking to the house with the blaring music. It’s almost the quiet before the storm, because everything is moving too fast once they push past the door. Couples making out in corners and couches, groups huddled together, drinks in their hand in red cups, their heads bopping to some Justin Beiber song playing in the background.They manage to tread across the sea of bodies to the kitchen before Eva shouts, “Noora! Hey!”

 

Isak looks to who he thinks is the most put together person he’s seen at the party so far. Noora’s wearing a slick black dress that accentuate her impeccable posture. Her blonde hair is parted in the middle and tucked behind her eyes so you can really see the blue of her eyes. Most of Noora’s makeup is subtle, like it’s barely there but the bright red lips is a fierce statement.

 

“Hey! You made it,” Noora smiles, reaching over to give Eva a hug who’s all smitten behind him.

 

“This is my friend Isak, and this Noora,” Eva explains, “thanks for inviting us!”

 

“I’ve heard so much about you Noora, it’s nice to finally meet you because Eva wouldn’t stop talking about the cool girl she met in class!” Isak smiles, eyeing Eva - _ha, this what you get for dragging me into this party!_

 

“Wow thanks Isak,” Eva grits, giving him her own silent response, _I honestly hate you so much._

 

“Well, I think Eva is pretty cool herself,” Noora laughs, giving her a sweet smile - like they’re in their own world.

 

The moment is interrupted when Isak hears familiar voices calling him from behind. It’s none other than Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi, probably already a little drunk and tipsy, trampling over the people to reach them.

 

“Isak! Dude, you made it!” Jonas chimes, pulling him into a side hug. The anxiety that had been building up since he’d left campus with Eva ebbs away a little. Isak’s heart settles now that Jonas is here with him - the other member of his trio.

 

“Bro, listen, I met this guy earlier and he said he was gay, you two should totally hook up!” Magnus says, and to that Isak just rolls his eyes.

 

“Man, he’s not gonna hook up with everyone who likes guys, come on, standards!” Mahdi supplies, because he’s amazing and the best support anyone can have.

 

“Thank you Mahdi, and Magnus, just stop,” Isak laughs - he can feel himself relaxing now that his friends are here. Eva introduces Noora to the rest of the boys and everything falls into a steady rhythm.

 

Just like Eva, everyone falls in love with Noora too. She’s taking an extra semester this summer to complete her journalism degree before she’s off to work at a local magazine as an intern in their arts and life department. Jonas and Noora bond over their love of Karl Polanyi’s theory of the double movement and how capitalism will end us all. She wins Mahdi over when she argues that waffles are much better than pancakes. And it doesn’t take long for Magnus to start invite Noora over for drinks when she promises to help him hook up with someone that night.

 

Isak holds back a little because he’s protective and it takes him a while to warm up to new people. Noora is the polar opposite of Eva, he thinks. She’s been vegan for almost three years and Eva loves steak more than an one he knows. Noora seems like the type to enjoy late afternoon picnics at the park and Eva loves loud parties. He’s seen Eva fall for her types before - older, more experienced girls that break hearts for just for fun. Isak doesn’t let himself fall for Noora’s quirks and charm; she definitely notices.

 

“You know the first time I met Eva at our women’s studies course, she barely had anything ready for class,” Noora says when the rest of the gang is busy talking about their summer plans. “She asked me for a pen, some paper, and told me that she completely forgot to finish the reading that was assigned, and I didn’t she would even pass.”

 

Isak straightens his back, ready to defend Eva, because she doesn’t know her like he does.

 

“But then next class, Eva came so prepared that she even asked the professor a question that no one even thought of,” Noora grins, looking over at Eva.

 

“Well she is smart,” Isak says defensively.

 

“She said that she wanted to make her friend Isak proud just this once without asking for help all the time. She was so determined the whole semester, always taking notes so diligently and going to office hours to ask questions,” Noora explains.

 

Isak can’t help but smile feeling his heart soar. Since he’s known Eva, she’s never been the type to take her school work seriously. She’ll finish her assignments hours before they’re due and has skipped so many classes that he’s lost count. So finding out that Eva wants to make Isak proud fills him up with a great rush of happiness. He remembers Eva looking exhausted on Thursdays after her class. She’d always shrug him off when he’d ask why she so tired all the time.

 

“I knew then that you mean a lot to her so I hope that we can at least be friends,” Noora says, giving Isak a hopeful look.

 

“Yeah, maybe” Isak says after a while, smiling at her timidly.

 

“Maybe is better than a no,” Noora responds grinding.

 

“I think you’d better go join Eva before she starts thinking you’re flirting with me or something,” Isak teases when he notices Eva giving curious glances towards them.

 

“Nah, she’s definitely the only one I’m interested in tonight,” Noora smirks, walking over to Eva with a warm smile.

 

Jonas notices they’re conversation and joins Isak on the couch. “Noora’s pretty cool,” he says after a while, sounding genuine.

 

“It’s not weird for you?” Isak asks.

 

“I mean she was my best friend before we started dating and she still is,” Jonas says steadily. “Things didn’t work out because we stopped loving each other. We just fit better when romantic shit wasn’t involved, you know?”

 

Isak nods, thinking back to the terrible fights Eva and Jonas would get into. They never lasted long at first. One of them would tease the other, kiss a silent apology and everything would be back to normal. Then Eva started avoiding Jonas at school after an argument and then he stopped replying to her texts for days. In the end it wasn’t loud or dramatic or ugly - it was as quiet as the last leaf dropping to the ground in a cold, fall day. They both stopped talking to each other for three long months. But just like spring, Eva and Jonas bloomed into something better apart than they ever were when they were together.

 

“I just want her to be happy,” Jonas says, “and you too, Isak. I know you don’t like parties and it stresses you out, so just let me know when you need to leave and we can head home together,” Jonas says after a while quietly, and Isak thinks that he’s the luckiest boy in the world. He was the first person Isak came out to in high school over kebabs and beer, the first person he called when his dad left him and his mom, and the first person he fell for.

 

It broke him a little when Eva had texted him that day to come to her house after school, the summer of tenth grade. _I think I like Jonas,_ she had told him, and he didn’t think much of it until the next day, both of them were holding hands and kissing during lunch and Isak couldn’t figure out why it was bothering him so much. So he watched them from a distance, fall in love and then fall out of love.

 

Isak still remembers the day he came out to Jonas - his heart was racing, palms clammy with sweat, lips bruised from being chewed on the whole day. _I think I like guys,_ he had mustered up, wishing the ground had swallowed him right there. _Okay, that’s cool man, thanks for telling me,_ Jonas replied simply. _Did you like me when I was dating Eva?_ he had asked gently. Isak didn’t reply for a long time and words had failed him that day, so he nodded slowly. _Oh so you think I was hot? Wow, I must be such a catch ‘cause I got both of you to fall for  me and my charming looks,_ Jonas laughed, and that was that.

 

“Thanks bro,” Isak says, giving him a proper smile.

 

*

 

By the time he’s finished his first drink, Isak is sat between Mahdi and Jonas having a heated discussion about Donald Trump.

 

“I’m still shook that he’s the president and pulling all of this shit,” Jonas says.

 

“Honestly, this just shows how racist the US really is - like Trump winning just proves to you oppression against marginalized and racialized people is still very much real,” Mahdi adds, taking a sip of his beer. Isak is always so proud to call him a friend because he’s always challenging him view things in a different perspective. They’d met at frosh in his first year of university. Isak and Jonas was in the same group as Mahdi and Magnus and they made the whole experience so much better. Isak fondly remembers ditching everyone and getting high in the parking lot with the three of them. Mahdi had managed some weed off of some dealer on campus and Jonas always carried a lighter in his pocket. Between the hits they took off of Isak’s bowl, they shared jokes and their life stories, laughing until their insides hurt.

 

Mahdi ended up taking the same physics course as Isak in his first semester. They became best friends having all nighters at the library, wired from several cups of coffee and too many cans of red bull. Isak didn’t want to go home for Christmas that year and Jonas and Eva were both going on vacation with their families. When he finished his finals, he’d planned on moping in his and Jonas’s dorm for two weeks until school started again in January. Mahdi had come storming in, insisting Isak come home with him and spend the holidays with his family. Isak teared up when Mahdi gave him a pair of marijuana printed socks on Christmas day, promising him that he was always welcome at the Disi household.

 

“I made out with this one girl that told me after that she supported Trump - why are they always so hot? Fuck,” Magnus sighs.

 

“Oh my god I remember, that was fucking hilarious!” Jonas laughs, shaking his head.

 

“Actually Trump supporters are automatically disgusting, jesus Magnus,” Isak spits out disgusted. He’s still getting used to being friends with Magnus everyday. The guy has no absolutely no social filter and says the first thing that comes to his mind. Isak had lost count of the number of times Magnus had embarrassed him and continues to this day. But he became a permanent member of their squad when some guy had called Isak a homophobic slur and Magnus almost got suspended beating the shit out of him - and Isak had never left Magnus's side, no matter how annoying he was.

 

“I mean the laws are archaic - I mean, Hillary won by popular vote and Trump still gets to be president? Wow,” Noora supplies. Eva is staring at her awe and Isak is about to tell her to stop being so obvious when someone behind him calls out Noora’s name.

 

Isak turns around to the most dazzling smile paired with a set of sparkling blue eyes. Everything slows down and it’s just Isak and this boy who’s walking over to them. He’s tall, hair slicked back in a stylish quiff, chapped lips stretched into a smirk. There’s an aura of mischievousness to him, like he’s up to no good. His arrival is like a storm - a force to be reckoned with, and it chills Isak to the bone.

 

“Oh, it’s you two,” Noora sighs, pulling Isak back to reality, noticing another figure beside the boy - a boy sporting a black snapback and a kind face. He’s not as tall or intimidating but there’s something incredibly modest about him, like he’s the kind of person you want to bring home to your parents.

 

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new friends?” asks the one with blue eyes, and Isak thinks he could listen to that voice all day long.

 

“Don’t corrupt them! Okay guys, this is Even, a James Dean wannabe that decided it would be a good idea to wear a leather Jacket when it’s boiling out,” Noora says, giving him a look. “And the other one is Yousef, who at least dressed appropriately.”

 

“I told him before we left to leave the jacket,” Yousef laughs, shoving Even to the side.

 

“Listen, you wish you both looked as cool as me,” Even exclaims to which Noora scoffs and Yousef rolls his eyes playfully.

 

“Anyways, this is Eva, Jonas, Isak, Mahdi, and Magnus,” Noora smiles.

 

“It’s nice to see that Noora’s making friends - I always worry, you know? She’s always studying at the library,” Even sighs and then laughs when Noora kicks him on his shin.

 

“Oh man, so does Isak, always has his nose between a book,” Magnus chimes in, and Isak wants to slap him.

 

“Are you both also taking an extra semester with Noora this summer?” Eva asks Yousef and Even, diverting the conversation much to Isak’s relief.

 

“Nah, Even and I are thinking of planning a backpacking trip across Europe, right bro?” Yousef says enthusiastically.

 

“I mean we still have grad and I think I have to go home for a bit,” Even responds, not quite meeting Yousef’s eyes.

 

“That’s sick, have you thought of where you wanna go?” Mahdi asks.

 

“London, Paris, Prague, Amsterdam, end uni with a bang,” Yousef winks.

 

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see,” Even says grinning.

 

“Jonas aren’t you going to Ecuador, that’s in Europe right?” Magnus asks.

 

Without even thinking, Isak blurts out, “Ecuador’s in South America, dumbass” making everyone burst out laughing.

 

“Ah our resident genius, we don’t all read encyclopedias in our free time,” Magnus teases, sticking out his tongue.

 

“You don’t need read an encyclopedia to know that,” Isak murmurs feeling his cheeks heat up.

 

“Yes Magnus, I will be going to Ecuador for the summer,” Jonas says.

 

“That’s amazing, what’re going there for?” Even asks, his eyes lighting up in genuine interest.  

 

Jonas explains that he’ll be going as a volunteer with a non-profit organization to help build schools around the country’s rural regions. One thing leads to another and soon everyone falls into steady conversations with each other, but Isak remains quiet, mostly listening and observing. It’s not like he doesn’t have anything to say, he does. But Isak doesn’t have wild plans for the summer like Jonas, he doesn’t have strong opinions like Noora, and he doesn’t have the sense of humour like Magnus does. His life is plain, rooted to the same mundane routine. There’s nothing Isak can add that will excite the already bustling energy around him - so he stays quiet and observes.

 

“Fuck, I need another drink, want me to get you one?” Jonas asks besides him.

 

“Yeah, thanks” Isak says, hoping that maybe more alcohol will help him get through this party faster.

 

“I gotchu,” Jonas says, standing up and walking over to the cases of beer lined up on top of the kitchen counter. The seat beside Isak doesn’t stay unoccupied for long until Even plops down on it, with his annoying blue eyes and his annoying smile.

 

“Hey, do you volunteer at the chem aid center?” Even asks.

 

“Uh, yeah, why?” Isak asks back, blinking stupidly.

 

“I was there with a friend the other day but I don’t think you noticed me. But fuck, you explaining the rules of um, like how you name molecules, what’d you call it?” Even frowns.

 

“Nomenclature,” Isak supplies easily.

 

“Yeah! Nomenclature, and jesus I’ve hated science since I was a kid, but like I understood everything you were saying. You made it sound so easy and for a minute I was like, shit this isn’t so bad,” Even laughs, throwing his head back.

 

“Um, thanks, I mean it’s not hard, just a lot of practice,” Isak says, still overwhelmed with the whole situation.

 

“Have you always loved it? Chemistry, I mean?” Even asks, now completely facing Isak.

 

“Yes? Like, I know it’s hard to see how everything you learn in class applies in real life, but you get that rare chance in the lab to see all those theories in action and it’s so crazy,” Isak gushes. “You learn all of these rules, but then comes an element that defy them, which I guess is annoying to a lot of people but it just shows how much is left undiscovered, you know?”

 

“Yeah,” Even agrees, nodding.

 

“I’m so weird, I just fangirled over organic chemistry at a party,” Isak groans, hiding his face behind his palms.

 

“No, no, it was cool to see you excited about something,” Even says, “you were just sitting there quietly.”

 

“I always do that,” Isak laughs nervously.

 

“I mean weren’t you saying that sometimes chemicals don’t follow the rules, that they can be unpredictable?” Even asks meeting the other’s eyes. Isak get’s lost for a second, at blue of his eyes, like a calm ocean before a heavy storm.

 

“Yeah, sometimes,” the Isak responds.

 

“Maybe you’re one of those elements that don’t always follow the rules,” Even winks making Isak’s heart flutter. He can’t help smile back, preparing to brave the storm that awaits.

 

*

 

Even, Yousef, and Noora seem to be well known around campus because soon random people start coming up to start conversations and soon enough the small group of six become a larger group of 12. He recognizes Sara and Camille from his immunology class, but then there’s a Nicholas, Tracy, Rumi, and Jill who all seem to know Even.

 

“Hey, how about all of us play ‘never have I ever’ - y’all know the rules right? Even come help me bring the vodka and shot glasses,” Tracy asks, clinging onto Even’s side - which, Isak has a problem with, but then he has a problem with the fact that he has problem with it. What’s even worse is the way his stomach churns in fear - he’s only seen in movies how this game plays out; it’s all intrusive questions and a way to prove how much you’ve been around, how exciting your life is.

 

“I don’t drink, but you all go head,” Noora says, sitting behind Eva, and Isak wants to join her but he’s having trouble coming up with an excuse that won’t make his friends suspicious because he can feel his muscles start to tense up.

 

When Tracy and Even come back with the alcohol and glasses, Isak tries to calm his mind that’s ready to boil over from stress.

 

“Okay, just in case anyone doesn’t know, basically someone says something they’ve never done, like ‘never have I ever...gotten in trouble with campus police’ - those who have never gotten in trouble has to drink,” Jill says, reaching for a glass. “Pour it up - almost got suspended because my RA found my weed grinder when they came to check my dorm,” she laughs, downing her shot.

 

“Oh my god, same, you remember that time Even,” Nicholas cries out as he reaches over to give the other a high five. Even shakes his head, quietly laughing and drinking his own shot.

 

Isak’s shot remains untouched.

 

“Okay my turn, my turn, never have I never had a one night stand,” Rumaisa giggles into her cup. Everyone finishes their drink and Isak looks down to his - still untouched.

 

“Never have I ever failed a course!”

 

“Oh man, never have I ever dated my ex’s best friend.”

 

“Never have I fallen asleep in class, shit, remember that one time?”

 

Almost six rounds in and Isak’s cheeks are burning in embarrassment - he hasn’t done any of these things. _Because you’re a loser,_ he says to himself feeling like he wants to disappear into the walls of the room. Jonas keeps gripping at his knees to reassure him but it doesn’t help. Even looks over every time Isak doesn’t drink and keeps looking down at the ground wishing it would open up and swallow him whole.

 

“I need to...go to the washroom,” Isak says, standing up and almost clambering his way out of the circle. Rushing past the thick crowd around the entrance, he finally pushes himself outside. The air is cooler than when he’d arrived earlier which helps with the beads of sweat that have started gathering on his forehead. He starts walking up the street until he gets to a bench just outside the entrance of a park. Isak’s phone buzzes a couple of times - probably Jonas and Eva wondering if he was okay, because he’s always the baby of the group who has to be taken care all the time - like he can’t even handle a party by himself without their support.

 

Isak feels pathetic - sitting here, outside a booming party, on the verge of a panic attack, breathing erratically and his nostrils flaring with anger. He shouldn't have come, he shouldn't have thought that this was something he can do, he should have just stayed in, safe in his dorm.

 

“You alright there?” asks a familiar voice, and Isak whips his head to his side to realize Even is staring at him, looking concerned.

 

“I’m fine, jesus,” Isak mutters, turning away and letting his anger boil over.

 

“You sure? You look a little pale to me,” Even says, crouching down to inspect Isak’s face.

 

“You seem very concerned for someone you met less than an hour ago,” Isak responds, annoyed.

 

“Jonas wanted to come and check, but thought I’d come instead - see if this leads to some interesting conversation,” Even muses, taking a seat beside Isak.

 

“If you want interesting conversation, go talk to someone at the party - I’ve got nothing to offer,” Isak almost yells - he’s so frustrated. Here he is, trying to cool down from a total shit show and then comes Even wants to make the situation even worse. “Did you come to point how boring I am? Remind me how much of a loser I am?” he stands up, raising his voice. “Don’t worry, I know so just fuck off and let me be,” he finishes, walking off.

 

“If you want to have a fit and feel sorry for yourself, I understand,” Even starts, following behind him. “But don’t try to convince me that you’re boring because I don’t think anyone is,” he says.

 

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re trying here but I’m...not having the best day and I don’t want to start yelling at random stranger, so just, go back to the party and let me breathe for a minute,” Isak whispers, feeling dizzy and almost losing his balance.  

 

“Hey, just sit for a second,” Even reaches out to grip his arm helping him sit down on the little ridge beside the sidewalk. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” he continues, sounding apologetic. “Do you want to me to leave or-”

 

“You won’t understand,” Isak interrupts, closing his eyes. “For the little time I’ve known you, all of this..all of this seems so easy for you,” he explains.

 

“What’s easy for me?” Even asks.

 

“This shit...this partying, making new friends and socializing - like for the little time I’ve known you, you seem like you get this whole deal. I can’t - I don’t understand any of this and it’s never been easy for me,” Isak starts, unsure of why he wants to tell Even all of this. “I’m the nerd, even between Jonas and Eva, I’ve always just liked sitting in a corner and reading a book. Failing a course and falling asleep in class, and just doing crazy shit - I’ve never experienced these things and I don’t know if I will,” he chokes out, feeling his vision blurring a little bit. “I’m just boring,” Isak finishes, sniffing.

 

There’s a long silence before Even speaks, “I don’t think you’re boring,” he starts.

 

Isak looks at him and huffs in disbelief, “You don’t even know me,” he exclaims.

 

“You still came to the party, didn’t you? You knew there would be random people, but you still came - for your friends, but mostly for yourself and that takes some balls. A lot of people get so anxious that they close in on themselves and never even try to get out - but look, you’re here and that’s all that matters - take it slow, but stop discouraging yourself,” Even explains, smiling. “I don’t know you, you’re right, but I definitely don’t think you’re boring Isak - just give yourself a bit of time, everything will sort itself out,” he says.

 

And Isak wants to believe him, wants to believe that things will magically start looking up from this point on. “That’s easier said than done,” he says.

 

“Point, but beating yourself doesn’t help either - and I’d know, I’ve done it a lot,” Even laughs quietly.

 

“Oh yeah?” Isak asks, “how so?”

 

“Well, I’m drunk enough so what the fuck - I’m bipolar,” Even says, pausing a bit. Isak stops breathing for a second - everything around them quiets down. “So I’ve had my fair share of crippling anxiety,” he continues, straighten his back a little like he’s preparing himself. “Like when I first found out, my head was everywhere - and I just let it take me some really dark places, of course medication helped, sorta, but I had to hold on and try to control everything that was going on and convince myself that I was more than this,” he says as he clears out his throat.

 

“Like, I told myself that I could either let this take over and let it take its toll on me, or I could just say ‘fuck this’ and get myself together, work on it and try to figure out a way to still be ‘Even’ not just ‘Even who’s bipolar’ - but long story short, I figured out a system and so will you - just give it time,” he finishes, his voice a bit shaken.

 

It’s silent again because Isak doesn’t know what to say, but he realizes that his breathing has calmed down and the buzzing in his head has slowed to a stop. Before he can say anything, his phone starts buzzing, the screen flashing to let him know that Jonas was calling.

 

“Hello?” Isak answers, looking at Even, who seems more subdued, picking at grass.

 

“Dude, where are you? Is Even there?” Jonas asks, voice laced with concern.

 

“Uh - yeah, sorry, yeah he came and we just got distracted, we’ll make our way back,” Isak says, standing up as Even follows.

 

“Was that Jonas?” Even asks after Isak ends the call.

 

“Yeah, I think we should head back - I don’t even know how long we’ve been out here,” Isak says a bit awkwardly. “Um - thanks for that - I’m glad you’ve figured out something that works for you,” he manages once they’re heading towards the house.

 

“I’m still figuring it out - like it’s not something I can fix and let it be, you know? It’s a work in progress so there’s always setbacks,” Even explains. “But, it’s like, it’s just you, you know? No one gives a shit so you have to do it for you,” he says forcefully, like he’s convincing himself more than he’s telling Isak.

 

He’s just about to ask Even what he means when Eva, Noora, and Yousef come rushing out the door to meet them. Eva meets Isak’s eyes, _everything okay?,_ she silently asks. _I’ll talk about this later,_ Isak nods back.

 

“Apparently we have to start clearing out because the ‘rents just got back,” Noora explains. “Yousef and I thought you both could come back to our place to chill, Even?” she asks.

 

“Sounds good to me - oh, actually I have a better idea, and you know what I’m thinking bro,” Even smirks at Yousef as they share a glance.

 

“Dude, we haven’t done it since first year!” Yousef claims, giggling, slapping the other’s back.

 

“Where did the guys go?” Isak asks Eva.

 

“Magnus got plastered so Jonas had to help him get home ‘cause Mahdi lives on the other end of town,” Eva says, “can you give us a minute, guys?” she asks, giving Noora a private smile.

 

“Yeah we’ll wait until the bus arrives - come on, losers,” Noora replies nodding at Even and Yousef to follow.

 

Even turns back to give Isak a lingering look - like they’re holding some secret between them that nobody else knows.

 

“We can just go home Isak, I know you’re having a shitty time,” Eva says apologetically. “Jonas got mad at me before he left saying that I don’t think about others sometimes. I’m sorry for dragging you into this even though you didn’t want to come,” she explains sadly.

 

“Even came and talked to me and I think I feel better,” Isak says, “but don’t apologize, if I really didn’t want to come, I wouldn’t have,” he continues.

 

“I know but I still felt bad that I made you go through that stupid game. Noora didn’t even play!” Eva cries out. “Let’s just go home and we can all watch movies until the sun comes up,” she suggests, resting her head against Isak’s shoulder. “I swear I was taller than you and Jonas when we were 8, when did I become the short one?” Eva laments.

 

Isak laughs, giving her a proper hug. “You know I was almost having a panic attack and Even talked me out of it?” he mumbles into her hair.

 

“Yeah? What else did he say?” Eva asks quietly.

 

“That I shouldn’t be so discouraging about myself - that I’m not boring,” Isak says, voice steady like he wants to believe those words.

 

“You shouldn’t and you aren’t,” she whispers.

 

“So let’s just go with them and see what happens! Fuck, I don’t know, I have this weird thrill,” Isak exclaims. He can feel his heart beating erratically - but for the first time, thrashing against his ribcage to break free, not trembling in fear to stay inside. Isak doesn’t feel ready for what’s about to unfold, he doesn’t know what’s waiting for him.

 

“You sure you’re feeling alright, Isak Valtersen? Do you have a fever? I swear you lost a bit of colour there,” Eva teases, placing the back of her palm on his forehead and pretending to check his temperature.

 

“Shut up! Let’s go before they leave - also can you be any more obvious that you like Noora? Cool it with the heart eyes,” Isak laughs, leaving Eva and running toward the bus stop.

 

“Oh my god Isak, seriously! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE HOLY SHIT HAVE I BEEN THAT OBVIOUS,” Eva screams, chasing to catch up to him.

 

*

 

“Glad you both decided to come,” Noora smiles at Eva as the bus starts.  

 

“Me too,” Isak mutters, looking over to Even who’s playing footsie with Yousef on the other side. It’s just the five of them inside the bus and the windows are all open, letting in the cool breeze of the night travel inside. It’s almost midnight when Isak checks his phone and notices a couple of messages from Jonas and Mahdi.

 

_11:45 AM Jonas: bro, i have to drop off Magnus he’s a mess_

_11:48 AM Jonas: we’re still waiting near the station if you wanna come w/_

 

_11:46 AM Mahdi: Had to leave, drinks later this week?_

 

Isak smiles, thinking how lucky he is to call both of them his best friends as he quickly types out short responses to both messages. Even and Yousef had enthusiastically suggested that they watch the sunrise at the beach close to where they both live with Noora. Isak had stayed up until the sun came up, but they were always all nighters for some exam or helping Eva with her assignments at the last minute, so this’ll be a first for him.

 

“So what’s your story, Isak?” Even asks, plopping down beside him. Yousef has joined Noora and Eva’s conversation about how amazing their women’s studies professor is, which means he’s alone with Even again.

 

“My story?” Isak asks nervously, turning so they’re facing each other.

 

“Yeah, your story. Who you are, where you’ve been, what drives you every day - let’s start off light, shall we?” he jokes, wiggling his brows.

 

“Um,” Isak huffs out a laugh, “I’m in my second year studying molecular biology-”

 

“Oh my god, it sounds like you’re introducing yourself to a professor - okay, maybe I should ask a specific questions, like what do you do for fun?” Even asks.

 

“Reading books - I know, I sound like a total nerd,” Isak says, biting his lips.

 

“Dude, no, reading is amazing - your turn!” Even says - and that’s how it all starts. Isak finds out that he’d just graduated with a degree in film studies which makes him 2 years older. His favourite flowers are roses and he owns more than 10 cameras. Even tells him that he’s afraid of heights even though he’s always the tallest person in the room; he likes his coffee with 4 spoons of sugar because he’s a sweet tooth. Even loves the colour yellow and owns a plant that he affectionately named Herbert.

 

“I don’t think you’re bad company at all, Isak,” Even smiles, meeting his eyes - and everything stops for a second. There’s a quiet rush of heat that’s crawling up Isak’s spine, blossoming like flowers in spring, unraveling like fireworks in the night sky - and he thinks that smile will be the end of him.

 

“What’s your favourite movie?” Even asks, “I’m gonna judge you if you say like 21 Jump Street or something,” he says.

 

“What do you mean? That movie was hilarious! Besides, I’m not a movie snob like you so leave me and my mediocre taste in movies alone,” Isak huffs. “But I’ll go with Mulan, and don’t even try, it’s a classic,” he says, just a little embarrassed.

 

“No, no, great choice,” Even chuckles.

 

“What’s yours? Let me guess, Moulin Rouge? No, The Godfather?” Isak asks. “You know what I think? I think you pretend like you have a very refined taste in movies, but you secretly love High School Musical, don’t?”

 

“I’ve been exposed!” Even gasps. “How did you know?”

 

“I knew it!” Isak laughs.

 

“Livin’ in my own world, didn’t understand” Even sings holding his phone up to his mouth, pretending it’s a microphone. “That anything can happen, when you take a chance. Come on, Isak!” he insists, holding up the phone up to the other’s face.

 

Isak closes his eyes for just a second - _fuck it,_ he thinks.

 

“I never believed in, what I couldn’t see,” Isak sings nervously, “to all the possibilities.”

 

“I know, that something has changed,” both of them sing, smiling together. Youself, Noora, and Eva are hollering and whistling at the background once they notice them.  “Never felt this way, and right here tonight, this could be the…”

 

“I’m so recording this,” Yousef laughs, pulling out his phone.

 

“Start of something new,” Noora and Eva join in, singing to each other.

 

“It feels so right,” Isak belts out, laughing. “To be here with you, ooh.”

 

“Now lookin’ in your eyes, I feel in my heart” Noora signs like she’s serenading Eva who’s giggling shly.

 

“The start of something new,” Even and Isak both end quietly, smiling together.

 

“You all are terrible singers, except for the blonde girl” the bus driver says suddenly, making everyone laugh.

 

“Yeah, you have an amazing voice,” Eva says, a little bit dazed.

 

“Thank you, Mr. bus driver,” Noora shouts, “and thanks babe,” she winks at Eva privately.

 

“God, remember that one time we all went to karaoke? Even was terrible” Yousef asks.

 

“Me? You’re practically tone deaf!” Even cries out, feigning to be offended.

 

“I’d have to agree with Yousef, you suck at singing!” Isak teases, laughing.

 

“You both are just overwhelmed at how talented I am,” Even says, sticking out his tongue.

 

And that’s how the bus ride continues for the rest of the night. Strangers sharing their stories until they aren’t strangers anymore. The roads converge and so do their paths for this one moment. Isak notices the stars shining against the dark sky, but Even is unlike any celestial body, glowing in every colour.

 

“I just think life’s like a movie you know, and, like, I know that sounds cliche but, hear me out. I wanna be the director of my own life, set my own rules, fix my own narrative and plot, do you know what I mean?” Even whispers after a while, his eyes lighting up in excitement.

 

“I do, but I don’t know if I agree,” Isak counters, biting his lips a bit.

 

“Oh do elaborate,” Even muses.

 

“Like, have you read anything about infinite universes? There’s a book I picked up the other day, and they were discussing the theory of parallel universes,” Isak says, “Think about it - the world is so big and we’re so small in comparison, insignificant compared to all the parallel universes that exist,” Isak explains. “Like somewhere right now, there’s an Isak and an Even, that’s never met,” he says.

 

“Oh that seems like a sad universe,” Even says making Isak smile. “But I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it like that, I guess,” he says, looking out at the dark sky.

 

“You haven’t? But it’s so interesting,” Isak insists.

 

“Yeah, I mean - but like it’s seems so scary you know? I don’t like it,” Even says.

 

“Why not?” the other asks.

 

“I don’t know, it kinda freaks me out I guess. Like there are universes out there with an Even that doesn’t know what’s about to hit him,” Even explains, his voice getting quieter. “Like in another universe, I still haven’t figured it all out yet - it just feels so lonely, like it’s just you and your thoughts,” he whispers. “Fuck, this all so depressing.” Even laughs awkwardly.  

 

“But in another universe you _do_ have it figured out - in another universe, you’re not alone,” Isak blurts out, meeting Even’s eyes and it’s one of those lingering gazes again. It makes him feel weighed down and weightless at the same time, but there’s always this buzz in the background like there’s something more, something more to these moments.

 

“Even! Isak! Get out of the bus before the bus driver throws you both out,” Yousef yells out and the moment is gone, like a wisp of smoke.

*

“The sun won’t be up for a little bit, but this my favourite spot in the city,” Even says. They’ve arrived at a beach with a small park beside it. It’s still dark out but the street lights are still on, illuminating the pavement.

 

“Dude that was like the best day of first year,” Yousef chimes in, “we bonded as brothers!”

 

“Yeah, I really felt that brotherhood,” Noora says, Eva giggling by her side.

 

“How did you meet each other?” Isak asks as they head up to the boardwalk.

 

“Yousef and Noora met when they started high school. I showed up in the last year before we all graduated - the fit was like a puzzle piece,” Even muses making Noora and Yousef laugh.

 

“How about you and Eva?” Noora asks, sounding genuinely curious.

 

“Gosh, I feel like Isak and I are like long lost siblings or something. It’s cliched, but I’ve known him for as long as I can remember,” Eva says fondly and Isak glances at her, equally fond.

 

“I mean, I had to put up with her because she practically followed me around everywhere,” Isak teases, rolling his eyes.

 

“Me? Following you around? Bitch please, you need me” Eva exclaims, flipping her hair back.

 

They all sit down beside each other when they reach the boardwalk, digging their feet into the sand. Noora and Eva takes of their heels, and the boys take of their socks and shoes. Isak feels as calm as the gentle waves ebbing and flowing into shore. The early morning passes as they talk about everything.

 

He learns about Yousef’s plan to be a kindergarten teacher and Noora’s aspiration to be a journalist. Even shares his plans to be a film director, his desires to document real lives, struggles and issues local communities face all over the world. Eva sheepishly says that she’s still figuring it out, to which Noora pulls her close, assuring her that she will. And Isak, mustering up the last bit of bravery left in his body, talks about getting into medical school one day - he explains that there’s something so incredible about helping the sick and injured get their strength back to take on the world.

 

“That’s pretty amazing, for a boring person,” Even whispers into Isak ears and those words travel up his spine, spreading warmth all over his cheeks.

 

*

 

“Anyone down to feel the water?” Even asks, already heading over towards the shore.

 

“Jesus, Even, that water is cold as fuck, I’m out,” Yousef calls out, completely lying down on the boardwalk. Noora and Eva are in their own world, so Isak follows the older boy.

 

“Ah fuck, it’s so cold!” Even cries out, laughing, “but it’s not bad after a while, just get in here!” he shouts, lending Isak a hand.

 

There’s a second, right before Even draws him into the water, that Isak thinks that if he lets him, there’s no going back. He doesn’t know if it’s the wind that pushes him or if Even extends his hand even further, but Isak crosses over, ankle deep in cold water. Just like that, Even reels him in, with that dazzling smile and those dangerous blue eyes.

 

“I come here when I need to clear my head. I guess you could say this is my spot,” Even says, looking out at the horizon. Isak perks up knowing that Even had brought him to _his spot_ , but he doesn’t want to overthink this - whatever _this_ is.

 

“Here’s a more serious one - what are you most afraid of?” Even asks after a while.

 

“I...uh,” Isak’s blanking and there’s that voice inside his head shouting, _you’re not cool, so why are you even trying?_ “...uh...” he’s tensing up, frantically searching for something when he feels a hand rest on top of his shoulder.

 

“Hey, it’s okay - you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, it was a bit too forward for me to ask,” Even reassures, giving him a small smile.

 

Isak clears his throat, pushing down the intrusive thoughts that have risen up and starts again. “I’m afraid of unpredictability and expected things that come up in life,” he says, “which I guess is funny because, I mean, life is unpredictable and unexpected, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop that, but that’s why I plan like crazy.”

 

“Okay,” Even says, gently knocking their knees together. Isak can feel the the space between them closing in, not just physically, but in some other way he can’t figure out.

 

“Um, my dad left my mom one day, and it just kind of came out of nowhere, you know? I came home from school one day, and my mom, she was having an episode, because she’s -- And everything was such a mess,” Isak explains, trying really hard not to let his voice quiver.

 

“So I guess, for me it’s just that I want to be as prepared for the future as possible - I, don’t like taking risks, which I guess makes me a boring person, but yeah, that’s my fear,” he finishes, really wishing he had some water because his throat feels so dry.

 

“You know for someone who doesn’t like risks, I have to say you’re pretty cool to join me here,” Even says as he reaches over to squeeze Isak’s knee. “It’s important to take things in your own pace, but I hope you’ll see that surprises aren’t all that bad,” he says.

 

“I liked this surprise,” Isak blurts out - he wants to be brave today, he wants this.

 

“I’m glad - but now it’s your turn, ask me anything, darling” Even winks, and Isak heart flutters again.

 

“What-what about you, then? What are you afraid of?” he tries.

 

“I love taking risks and having adventures, so I guess my fear is the opposite of yours - stability or having to stay at one place,” Even explains. “I told you before that I’m bipolar so I think a little of what your mom might be feeling. I found out when I was in highschool, and it’s been hard to keep relationships with people. After a while, they just see me as my disorder and it’s like I can’t get out.”

 

Isak wants to reach out and hold Even’s hand to anchor him because maybe he feels lost at sea too.

 

“Staying in one place - everyone knows everything about you, but when I’m travelling, I can just be this boy who wants to accomplish his goals and dreams,” Even says. “I have this theory, right? It’s stupid, but I think it works. If I’m always meeting new people and only talk to them for a short amount of time, I wouldn’t have to mention anything about being bipolar - so I can just enjoy being Even who loves film and talking about world issues,” he laughs.

 

“I don’t think that’s a stupid theory,” Isak adds quickly, looking up at those blue eyes that reminds him of the clear sky in a hot summer day.

 

There’s a comfortable silence between them now - but it feels solid, unwavering, strong, like a promise that there’s more. Isak feels completely exposed, out of his shell, so for the first time, he just goes with the first thing that pops up into his head. Cupping his hands and filling it with water, he aims at Even’s face, completely missing it and soaking his chest.

 

“Oh-Oh my god, now you’ve done it!” Even yells out, reaching out for Isak and pushing him down, Even falling down with him.

 

*

 

Both Isak and Even are dripping wet by the time they get back to the rest waiting at the boardwalk.

  
“Jesus, what the fuck happened?” Yousef asks.

 

“The water looked really inviting?” Even tries, shrugging and looking at Isak, who gives him a small smile.

 

“You both better dry off before you catch a cold,” Noora says, standing up and offering a hand to Eva. “Our place is close by, come on,” she says, already leading the way with Yousef by her side.

 

Eva narrows her eyes at Isak, _something else happened between the two of you._ He meekly smiles back, _maybe._ She nods back, rushing to catch up to Noora.

 

“How do you two that?” Even asks as both of them follow behind.

 

“Do what?” Isak asks, looking at the other quizzically.

 

“Talk without actually saying anything,” Even says, his face at awe.

 

“Oh, did you not hear? I have telepathic powers,” the younger boy teases.

 

“Oh my god, who are you even?” Even gasps dramatically, making Isak laugh.

 

They all reach a quaint little house, the walls painted a cornflower blue with missing roof shingles and overgrown bushes. Small potted plants, line the three steps that lead up to the front porch. There’s a stone bulldog placed right near the entrance with a very menacing face, like she’s protecting the inhabitants of the home from evil.

 

“I try my best to keep this house looking presentable but Yousef and Even are actual slobs so blame any messes on them,” Noora says, digging into her purse looking for her keys.

 

“Hey I actually cleaned the living room and did the dishes the other day!” Yousef cries out in defense.

 

“That was a month ago, moron,” Noora sighs, pushing the keys in and twisting the doorknob open. “There’s juice in the fridge and some leftover cookies that I baked earlier today if anyone’s hungry.”

 

The living room looks like a mish mash of three different styles all battling against each other. There’s a vase full of fresh flowers at every corner, clearly Noora’s touch. Isak’s sure that Yousef had stacked up random children’s picture books on top of each other, taking up most of the sofa table. There’s an antique looking stand up globe beside the window, it’s surface dotted with thumb tacks and sticky notes, all placed by Even.The sofas all have different prints, plants in multicoloured pots at every corner, notes and textbooks scattered around. Even, Noora, and Yousef clearly have different ideas for home decor but they all fit together in their own little way.

 

“Thanks _mom_ ,” Even responds. “I have towels and I can lend you a shirt?” he says, turning to his Isak.

 

“Okay,” he says nervously.

 

“Follow me, darling,” Even says easily, leading him up to the stairs by the front door. Isak’s heart jumps at the nickname and he breaths slowly to keep himself calm. As he climbs up the steep carpeted stairs, there’s an array of photographs and paintings that slowly ascend to the top of the second floor. There are four doors, three of them labeled “Yousef”, “Noora” and “Even”, which Isak thinks is incredibly cute.

 

“Here’s my room, make yourself at home, I’m gonna grab a towel from the washroom,” Even says, gesturing to the door adjacent to Noora’s.

 

Even’s room is just like Even - an absolute work of art. The walls are painted yellow, each covered with small drawings, posters, polaroids, and tickets stubs. Isak walks up to a large bulletin board right above the mess work desk. There’s pictures of Even, Noora, and Yousef, much younger, posing together in silly ways. There’s also pictures of Even in front of the Eiffel Tower, in a gondola, beside a guard of the Buckingham palace. His eyes catch a series of sketches, little comics of cartoons, superheroes, and inanimate objects.

 

“Did you draw these?” Isak asks, when Even comes back with a towel.

 

“Yeah,” the other huffs out a laugh, using his own towel to dry his hair.

 

“They’re really good,” Isak comments, eyes still scanning the drawings.

 

“Thanks,” Even responds. “Here, you can change into this, I don’t use it anymore,” handing Isak a worn out white t-shirt.

 

“Thanks,” the younger boy smiles. “I’m just going to change in the bathroom,” Isak says awkwardly turning to head towards the bathroom. He closes the door shut behind him and leans against it, etting out a long breath of relief. Isak can definitely feel his energy dwindling and the desire to be left alone is building - everything has been so overwhelming that he hasn’t stopped to think process anything. He brings Even’s shirt up to his face and sniffs - it smells of fresh detergent and slow summer days. Everything about the way this boy makes Isak feel is terrifying. The way he unravels, the way he comes undone, the way his walls break apart - Even has crawled his way straight into Isak’s heart.

 

He wants to scream it out - the way Even makes him feel, to the entire world. Write poems about how happy he is, right this moment, like nothing he’s felt before. _I want there to be more,_ Isak thinks. _I want to want this._

 

He quickly changes into Even’s shirt and rinses his face, allowing the water to cool his skin - it’s burning with excitement. Isak braces himself again, but this time without the armour and shield - it’s just him now.

 

Leaving the bathroom after two more seconds feels like he’s a sailor set preparing to brave the stormy waters again, but this time, maybe he doesn’t need a map - because he already knows where to go. When he comes back to Even’s room, he’s sat on his bed, changed into a Star Wars t-shirt and teddy bear printed pajamas bottoms - he almost looks younger, more vulnerable.

 

“I love your pajamas,” Isak comments, stalling, trying to steady his heart before he says anything serious.

 

“Why thank you,” Even chuckles, and their eyes meet again - all these gazes, they feel like they mean something. “Are you feeling better? I didn’t get a chance to ask you.”

 

“Yeah, I am. Thanks for the talk earlier” Isak says and he means it.

 

“No worries,” Even responds, “but you have one problem.”

 

“What’s that?” Isak asks nervously.

 

“You have a dangerous smile, did you know that?” Even says, “I mean give a guy a warning, would you?”

 

 _This is it,_ Isak thinks. _This is when I fall for him._ “Even I want to tell you something-” Isak starts, gaining momentum, ready to take flight - before Yousef bursts through the door.

 

“Even, when were you planning on telling us you were going off to India in two days?” he asks, throwing a white envelope towards Even. And it’s like Isak’s entire system stops working.

The room stills, Even’s eyes widening, Yousef’s easy grin disappearing by the second. Isak’s whole body feels like collapsing in.

 

“I was going to tell you-” Even starts.

 

“When, 20 minutes before you have to leave for the airport? What the fuck, Even?” Yousef shouts. Isak feels like it’s been too long since the last time he’s taken a breath - he can’t even look at Even’s face at this point.

 

“What’s going on?” Noora appears, looking concerned.

 

“Did you know about this?” Yousef demands.

 

“Know about what?” Noora asks, confused.

 

“Even’s going off to India in two days,” Yousef supplies. 

 

“Wait, what?” she asks, stunned.

 

“Guys, just calm down - I can explain, Isak can you give us a minute,” Even sighs and Isak is nodding and heading towards the door, not once daring to meet his eyes.

 

When he comes back downstairs, Eva is passed out on one of the couches and Isak has to restrain every fibre of his body not to just rush out the door. _Even’s going off to India in two days_ \- the same eight words cycling through his mind probably a million times for five minutes straight. He feels lost, physically and mentally, like he’s falling down and no matter how hard he tries to grasp at something, everything just slips in between his fingers.

 

It feels like hours before Even comes down, alone, his body slagging like it’s lost it’s usual charm and shine. “Come outside with me for a bit,” he whispers and Isak almost wants to refuse, tell him no just out of spite, but all his defences are down and there’s no strength left in his voice.

 

The sky is a light grey when they step out, Even closing the door behind them. It’s early morning and the bird calling have started - mother nature slowly waking up from it’s deep slumber.

 

“A friend of mine introduced me to this guy working at an amazing organization about a month ago. He gets sent out in a team with a film crew to some part of the world to make a videos to raise awareness about local issues,” Even says, breaking the silence. “They were looking for someone to edit the videos and I didn’t even think about it, like I knew this was perfect.”

 

“That sounds amazing,” Isak chokes out, swallowing down the sadness in his voice.

 

“I told everyone in the team when I met them that I was bipolar,” Even says slowly. “And they didn’t give a fuck, it was so weird. I didn’t feel like I was somehow _less than_ , you know?”

 

“Why did you tell me? That you’re bipolar that is. I mean you could have made something up, I’m not anybody important,” Isak asks, final turning to meet those blue eyes again.

 

“I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to, you seem like a _somebody_ in my life,” Even looks back, offering a gentle smile. More than anything, Isak wants to be that _somebody_. But there’s no anchor now, no map, no storm - it’s like he didn’t even leave the shore.

 

“You seem like a _nobody_ to me,” Isak teases making Even laugh. He can’t bear to say anything different.

 

“I’m scared,” Even says quietly.

 

“You get scared?” Isak whispers, trying, trying so hard not to show how awful he feels.

 

“Life is changing. Fuck, I think Yousef and Noora hate me,” the other says.

 

“India is really far,” Isak points out, keeping his voice from quivering.

 

“I’ll probably get lonely there,” Even says, turning to Isak.

 

“And here?” Isak asks, forcing his eyes to meet those dangerously blue ones.

 

“Feels nice,” Even smiles gently. “But I wanna fly Isak, I wanna soar, fuck, I wanna fall - I just don’t wanna stop,” he explains.

 

“Yeah,” Isak gets out, breaking their gaze.

 

“I have to go,” Even says smiles. Isak wants to bottle that smile and get drunk on it when no one’s watching.

 

“I know.” Isak responds, but it hurts, everything hurts.

 

“You know, maybe in another universe I don’t go and it’s the better decision,” Even says, and Isak’s heart breaks, so loudly that it echoes through his bones.

 

“But in another universe, you go and it’s the best thing because it’s what you want to do,” Isak whispers, not having the energy to raise his voice any louder.

 

“Were you going to say something earlier?” Even asks.

 

“Yeah, just that it’s morning already,” Isak says nodding to the sun peeking out from behind the horizon. Even gazes at the pinks and purples slowing painting the sky and Isak - Isak looks at Even, watching as the contours of his face light up. This boy, Isak thinks, stirred up his entire life in one night - like a great big storm leaving behind all the destruction and debris.

 

He couldn’t say it, just couldn’t. As much as much Isak wanted to tell him how he feels, Even wanted to chase after his dreams that much more. But Isak was grateful for all the laughter, the madness, the conversations - he wasn’t going to forget that night, no mattered how much he tried. Even flew - he soared so high that he was gone from the blink of eye. Four years had passed and he didn’t look back - and neither did Isak.

 

*

 

_Present day_

 

Isak is startled awake to his phone buzzing aggressively beside bed - he groans, clamouring for it. He manages tap the answer button before muttering out a “Hello?”

 

“Finally! You’re awake,” a voice says from the other line, and Isak recognizes it as no other than Sana’s. “Make sure you’re packed and ready to go early tomorrow morning, Eva and Noora mentioned that they want us to help set up before the wedding ceremony starts,” she says sternly.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Isak croaks, grateful that he has some support in all of this wedding madness. They had met a year ago, wide eyed kenners starting their first year in medical school. It wasn’t an intentional friendship when it began - Isak and Sana got partnered, much to their dismay, in their anatomy class. Sana came equipped with her fantastic wit, black hijab, and a sharp tongue. Several arguments, late night studying, helping each other through failures in their personal and academic lives later, both have been inseparable since they first met that fateful day. They’re best friends, Isak and Sana - but they’ll never admit it.

 

“If you’re not ready and downstairs by 6:30 tomorrow, I’m leaving without you - bye Isabell,” a nickname she had given Isak after Sana’s phone had autocorrected his name to “Isabell” instead of “Isak”.

 

“Love you, Sanasol” he responds, endearingly naming her after a Norwegian Vitamin mixture, dropping the call.

 

Isak stays in bed for another twenty minutes, thinking about how he still has to pack for tomorrow. It still freaks him out when he thinks about Eva and Noora getting married - having just met four years ago, they are perfect for each other. Eva’s crazy energy to Noora’s subdued nature - they’re like yin and yang, balancing each other unpredictable ways.

 

Right before Isak goes off to take a shower and scrub off, his phone slips from his hands and falls on the ground. He sighs, crouching down to pick it up when he notices a book he hasn’t read in awhile under the bed frame. Isak takes out the book, flipping to the front cover and almost laughs. It’s a book about parallel universes with sticky notes stuck to every page. His mind wanders off again, to a summer night four years back.

 

_In another universe, Isak is with him, smiling together._

**Author's Note:**

> And thank you to you reader, for stopping by and taking the time to read my fic. I'm on tumblr at [vanqoh](http://http://vanqoh.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat! Hope to see you in the next update!


End file.
